


You're More Than What You Think

by AlmightyHail



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: INSPIRATIONAL, No Idea, Other, Reader not Frisk, i guess, no smut just fluff and sad stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-22 01:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6065295
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmightyHail/pseuds/AlmightyHail
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I had a crying fit so I decided to write a one-shot where Gaster comes and helps you feel better by showing you his favorite stargazing spot and showing you what you're really made of.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You're More Than What You Think.

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware this was not edited or reviewed, it's all just nonstop drabble.  
> Edit 2/21/2016 I went through and edited what I could find. 
> 
> Please remember, if you are suffering from depression, try to seek professional help. Do not self medicate. 
> 
> If nothing else let dadster Gaster give you some fluffy happy feelings.

Your arms wrapped around yourself as you laid on the bed. You couldn't open your mouth, because you knew others would hear you, but you could still feel the wails in your throat, clawing at your lips, tickling your lungs, trying to break free. Tears threatened to form, but you forced them back. No one needed to hear you sobbing...No one needed to hear you hurting. You didn't want questions. You didn't want suspicion. You didn't want anyone to know. You didn't want to have to explain.

 

This happened all the time, anyway. You were used to this. Used to fighting and struggling to contain this chest-bursting pain, the tight dryness in your throat and the aching in your bones. You'd grown accustomed to long nights trying to wait until you were sure everyone was asleep so you could cry silently without risk of being walked in on. You knew far too well the stinging on your skin and the wetness on your pillow, and the cold numbness left behind once you were finished.

 

You'd been through this. Same order. Same process. Almost every night. Sometimes it was because of a bad day, sometimes because of your family, but most of the time, it was because of nothing at all.

 

Sometimes you could be happy. But most of the time there was a fog in your head and an ache in your heart, and sometimes you could swear you were being pulled under, struggling to move, while others swam effortlessly and moved without weights holding them down. It was like you alone carried the rocks in your chest. Every once in a while you'd be certain if you tried to open your chest, you'd see a black hole, or no heart at all, you felt so empty inside.

 

Nothing seemed to help for long, either. Even death didn't always look so pretty to you. Sleep didn't work anymore. Sleep was a wonderful reprieve and God you wish you could sleep forever, but that wasn't an option.

 

But you always felt it. That ache. That longing, the indescribable pain that wrapped around your soul and gripped it tight and sucked the life out of you.

 

Why did you have to fight so hard? Why you? Why nobody else?

 

All the same, most days you could get through.

 

Tonight however, was one of the more rough nights. You clung to your sheets, clawing at them, biting your lip and keeping your eyes firmly closed. Deep breaths. If you tried hard enough the tears wouldn't come until you let them. Which, glancing at the clock, you had a long while before you'd be able to cry in peace.

 

A loud sigh blew from your nose and you buried your face in your blankets. If only something would come and take you far far away from here...Far away from this pain, away from this constant struggle...

 

In a desperate moment, you screamed into your blankets. Your soul felt like it was crying, screaming, reaching out for any kind of release. It shouted into the silence, into whatever abyss you lived in, for something to come lift your sorrows so you could just breathe...

 

You just wanted it to stop. Just for a while. Just a little bit. You just wanted the pain to stop.

 

**((I hear you.))**

 

You'd never gotten a response like that before. Normally, the voice in your head would say 'how pathetic' or 'crying won't do you any good' and 'why struggle?' You never heard anything in your head say something like that, and definitely not in that masculine voice. You paused. The voice went away. Slowly you began to slink back into your fetal position, feeling the tears brim.

 

**((I can feel your pain.))**

 

Who was that? Where did this voice come from? Was it your long lost conscience finally coming to you? Or were you so delirious that you'd developed voices in your head? Were you finally going crazy? You ignored it until it spoke again.

 

**((Why do you hurt so much, human?))**

 

Whoever it was, it wanted your attention. "I just do," you muttered. You didn't get a response so you figured it didn't hear you. If it was coming from outside your body, anyway. So, sighing, you thought, 'I just...do.'

 

**((Can anything be done?))**

 

Your inner voice sounded bitter. 'No. Nothing helps. Nothing ever helps.'

 

**((May I try?))**

 

Whatever it was, a voice in your head or not, you hoped it wasn't malevolent. 'Yeah, go for it,' you mentally said carelessly.

 

**((Wait for me.))**

 

What did that mean? The voice went away. You waited, and waited, but it never came back. Sighing you looked at the clock. You could cry now. But you were too tired and too bitter to do it. So you rolled over, pulling your covers up over you. You didn't change out of your day clothes but you didn't care. You didn't want to move.

 

Slowly time passed. You kept your eyes closed, trying to fall asleep. The more you waited the more frustrated you got, the more your worries came back to you. Things you'd worried about for years, even though they were long over. Things you worried others thought of you. Things you knew were coming up in your future that you imagined could go wrong. As your mind wandered down its usual stressing path, you began to feel yourself slip into a more calm state, somewhere between awake and asleep. Your body felt comfortable, wrapped up in this position. The worrying thoughts changed to images of movies and book scenes you'd seen, replaying them as your mind quieted down. While your body and mind settled, the ache still remained, though not as prominent as before.

 

Just as you began to fall away to sleep, the voice returned.

 

**((I'm coming.))**

 

It startled you out of your trance. You didn't move or stir - you were warm and didn't want to feel cold. But you still worried. Who was coming? What were they going to do?

 

**((Relax...))**

 

The voice was comforting. It was then that you realized the voice wasn't audible - it spoke in emotions, sensations, and meanings of words, not the words themselves. Yet somehow it seemed masculine in nature, and was gentle, soothing, as if its tone was an elixir that healed your wounds. You felt your aching chest begin to soften, and your body relaxed, your muscles loosening up. It may have been moments, but it felt like seconds, as you slowly felt more and more at ease. Your mind left reality and you floated in an empty space, no longer feeling the blankets, the bed, or the touch of your clothes. Nothing touched you, and you touched nothing. Without meaning to, you'd managed to float into a weightless emptiness, where nothing was there. It almost seemed you had no body at all, or didn't physically live in any world, just in this emptiness. Where were you? Surely you were still in your bed, sleeping. Or dreaming. If this was a dream it was a really odd dream. Were you lucid dreaming?

 

**((Come to me.))**

 

The voice surrounded you. It didn't boom or echo, but resonated in the air around you, like a chorus standing around you and speaking all at once with the same voice. The sensation of being watched made you uneasy.

 

'Who are you?' you asked into the emptiness.

 

**((Can you not see me?))**

 

'No.'

 

Suddenly you felt something begin to form in front of you. Was it in front of you? Or everywhere? You couldn't tell. The sense of something growing in size, beginning to tower over you, filled you with dread. The feeling was similar to having your eyes closed and standing in front of a tall building. You knew it was there, above you, but had no idea how close, or how wide, or how high the building may be.

 

**((Can you see me?))**

 

'Kind of...' you answered. 'But I still can't... _see_ you.'

 

**((I see. Follow me.))**

 

Something brushed your hand. You flinched it away. Even in the blackness of this void you resided in, you somehow had a body - not your physical one, but a virtual one, one that existed only in this place, outside your body.

 

 **((Don't worry human. I will not harm you,))** the voice spoke.

 

'Where are you going to take me?' you asked. 'Who are you?'

 

The voice paused. **((My name is Gaster. Where I came from, before this time, that is what I went by. But now I am long forgotten. Don't worry human...I don't have any reason to harm you. Instead, I wish to help you.))**

 

'How?' you asked. Gaster sounded like a demonic name so you were still suspicious.

 

**((I wish to take you to see the stars.))**

 

 _The stars...?_ 'Haven't I seen the stars before?'

 

**((Not this close. Come, let me guide you. I'll take you to my favorite spot.))**

 

Your hand reached out. You couldn't see your hand but you assumed it was extended outwards from you. A gentle touch caressed your palm, and you felt a larger hand take yours, holding it tenderly. The hand felt bony, like a skeleton's, with a smooth surface and dented joints. Was this the grim reaper, taking your soul away? Well you'd hoped to pass on sooner or later but you'd wanted to try and wait a little longer.

 

'Can...Can I say goodbye, first?' you asked sheepishly.

 

The voice laughed. It was a kind laugh, full of warmth. **((You are not going to die, human! You'll return back to the physical world soon. I promise you.))**

 

This all still seemed so sketchy, but you didn't really know how to navigate this strange space by yourself, so even if you rejected, what were you going to do? Float for all eternity? Or wake up from this strange dream. Hopefully.

 

You both moved on, not quite stepping, but floating into no known direction except straight. You didn't feel like you waited long before you began to notice tiny specks float by you. They were small, barely the size of a pin head. You wanted to stare at them, but the strange voice figure led you on. The further you both went, the more the specks appeared. Some floated by beneath your feet, some went over your head, and some danced as they passed by your left and right.

 

'What are these things, Gaster...?' you asked, fascinated.

 

**((These are stars.))**

 

 _What..._ 'But stars are way bigger than this!' you cried, staring at one of them as it went by.

 

 **((And now you are bigger than them. Far bigger.))** You looked in his general direction in confusion. **((There is no size or time here, human. Only what exists, and no longer exists. You can be any size here. The limits you'd find in the physical world do not apply here.))**

 

'...So if I wanted...I could fold a chair in on itself?'

 

**((In this place, yes.))**

 

 _Whoa._ 'What is this place?' you inquired curiously.

 

**((This is a plane of existence physical objects and beings cannot go to. It is impossible. You'd have to change your vibrations, and even then, you would no longer be physical.))**

 

'So how are we here, then?'

 

**((Because your soul can come here. Your soul does not exist on just a physical level - it resonates across all spectra of the planes of existence, able to jump between them and even exist in multiples of them.))**

 

'How?' You were curious now. Confused, but curious. 'Sorry if I keep asking questions.'

 

**((No worries, human. This kind of information is new to your species. As strictly physical beings, you have never explored this side of reality and un-reality. You have never needed to. ...Well, long ago, your species did. But they've devolved from that time. Now your species lives in the physical realm completely, ignorant of this place.))**

 

'Is this...the afterlife?'

 

 **((No, no!))** He laughed. **((No, not at all. This is simply a layer of our world that can only be accessed through our souls. The vibrations needed to exist here are on such a high level, physical things cannot breach the barriers of reality to come here. But our souls are multi-vibrational, and like stars, vibrate at almost all frequencies - meaning, like stars, our souls are capable of going between worlds. It never has to slow or speed up to do this, but simply shift.))**

 

'So...what I am right now, is my soul?' **((An avatar of it, yes.))** 'Avatar?' **((Projection.))** 'Oh...'

 

 _So much for being an element bender._ 'So let me try this...My soul exists on more than one reality, and my body doesn't, so to get here I gotta become my soul?'

 

**((Not quite. But you're close.))**

 

You'd gotten so distracted by the conversation you didn't notice you two had wandered so far until you saw something shimmer below your feet. Brushstrokes of navy and violet swept across the ground below, bending and rippling as you stepped across the surface. Water...? Looking up, you saw the darkened sky, and gasped. Up above, in swirls of blue and purple, the sky twinkled. Stars of varying brightness twinkled and sparkled, blinking at you in greeting. The tiny specks that were floating around you before were now brighter, and larger, and as you looked close, you noticed they looked like fireflies.

 

'This place is beautiful...' you said in awe.

 

**((Hah, and we are not even close to my favorite spot!))**

 

'Really!?' You exclaimed.

 

**((Yes. It gets better, human. Truly. Wait a little longer.))**

 

 _How could it get better?_ You continued on, being led by this Gaster figure, who now had a slightly visible silhouette. His hand was, as you'd felt before, completely made of bone. His body was slender and enormous, looming above in a shroud of black. You couldn't see his face, but assumed he probably had one. Despite the idea of a cloaked skeletal person leading you around seeming to be the stuff of Gothic poetry, you were surprisingly not frightened.

 

'What are you?' you prodded.

 

 **((I am a remnant of what I once was,))** The figure answered. Its voice still seemed to come from everywhere, but quiet and soft-spoken. **((Before I resided here, I was a scientist that worked under command of my king. Even then, I was not the most...pleasing thing to look at.))**

 

'But what were you then?' **((What was I?))** 'Yeah. Were you human?' **((No. I was a monster.))**

 

You gasped. 'W-What? You seem like a nice guy! How could you be a mons-'

 

The man was laughing uncontrollably. You could hear the clinking of bones colliding. **((No, no! My species, and all like them, were called 'monsters' by humans. It is a ghastly name, but we accept it with humility. My particular type of monster was of a human skeleton. However, I was never human.))**

 

That was interesting.

 

'So were you like, made from someone's bones?'

 

**((No. I was made from magic.))**

 

'Huh?'

 

**((Heh, humans never fully grasped the idea of magic the same way we did. I was born from the union of two souls wishing for a third, for another to be born. We monsters do not have physical bodies - simply projections that give us a physical appearance of one. But what you truly see, is our soul itself. Mine was of a skeleton, an evolutionary adaptation my kind took on as a survival tactic.))**

 

'Survival tactic?' **((For eons my people have been fighting for our survival, from more than just one source. Tell me, if you came across a skeleton, would you touch it?))** 'Hell no.' **((Hahah! Then our survival tactic has worked!))**

 

'So you guys look like skeletons? Do all monsters look like them?' **((Oh, not at all. Some are deer with trees for antlers and sideways mouths, some are figures of ice, some are humanoid forms of fire, some are reptilian...our appearances differ very greatly from one to the other.))** 'That. Is really weird.' **((Of course it is. Your species looks mostly the same from person to person.))** 'Touche.'

 

The descriptions were definitely strange, alright. You decided to look around again, and the fireflies had disappeared. That made you slightly dejected. You found their appearance pleasing. You looked up, and had to stop to catch your breath.

 

High above, the sky was painted with violets, pinks, whites, creams and blues, all mottled together, sprinkled with countless clusters of stars. Each star shined, some intensely, some faintly. Like splatters of paint they decorated the heavens. Some even seemed to float a little closer, and you wondered, had you the ability to fly, if you could go far enough to touch them. Towards the sky ahead of you, the stars splattered closer together, collecting densely into a bright light blue glow on the horizon. Behind you, the stars spread apart, the bright nebula of colors fading to dark. Below your feet, the blurry reflections of the world around you shimmered on thin waters. When you tapped your foot, the water radiated outwards, stretching the image mirrored from above.

 

'This place is...beautiful...' **((I'm happy you enjoy it too.))**

 

You looked up to Gaster. Now that he was turned towards you, you could see his face. Unsurprisingly, he had a skull for a face, but unlike other skeletons, his was soft, and the jaw was smooth like a human's cheeks. A black crack snaked up from his right eye to the top of his cranium and around to the back, while another one led down his left eye to the edge of his lip. Despite having no lips, he was able to curl his mouth into a kind smile. Two white pinpoints of light marked his eyes and his bony brows were turned up in an expression of kindness and caring.

 

'You...don't look as scary as most skeletons do,' you commented.

 

 **((Thank you.))** His mouth slightly moved with his words, but once again they didn't seem to come from just him, but from everywhere. He pulled his hand away and you noticed a hole stretching open his palm.

 

'What's that from?' you pointed to them.

 

 **((Oh?))** He looked to his hands. ( **(Oh, long ago, I...did an experiment. I...had to use my own soul to do it.))** His hands fell and he smiled. **((But the experiment was a success. One I am very proud of.))**

 

You didn't want to ask further. You just wanted to explore. The skeletal man stepped away a couple paces and then tossed his cloak open to sit on the wet ground. He turned and patted the spot to his right, giving you an expectant look. Wordlessly you followed him, sitting beside him and looking at the sky. Despite the group being of water, you didn't get wet. The man was right, physics just didn't really apply here.

 

'So how did you find me?' you asked.

 

 **((My consciousness expands across a very large, but still finite area of this plane,))** he explained. **((Sometimes as I wander around, I'll see someone's soul sending out waves of emotions. Yours was giving off intense bursts of sorrow, and I could see it from a long distance away.))**

 

'Oh...' You looked down, fidgeting with your hands. 'Sorry...'

 

**((Why be sorry? You didn't cause me any trouble. But when I saw your soul in so much pain, I felt empathy for you. I wanted to help.))**

 

'Why me, though?' You asked.

 

**((Out of all the other souls, yours was the brightest.))**

 

You looked up at him with surprise. 'Huh?'

 

He looked down at you. His face - as much as a skull could - looked serious. **((Your soul gives off a lot of energy. I was surprised to see you in so much pain, even though it was so strong. It seemed like something was hurting you. So I wanted to see if I could alleviate the pain any by taking you away from the physical world for a while.))** He looked away. **((I know how agonizing it can be, to be in a world that doesn't seem to want you...))**

 

You searched his face for any kind of answer or clue to one for his comment, but didn't find any. 'So...my soul is...strong? Bright? Then why does it hurt so much?'

 

Gaster hummed. **((Give me your hands.))** You offered your hands and he took them, turning them palm up. Slowly, your body began to glow a light blue, almost white color and you gasped. Your skin turned transparent, and underneath, you could see the intense river of your veins, flowing with light, trail through you. From your chest, you could watch a small heart 'pump,' bursting with energy in all directions.

 

'I'm...' you wanted to cry at the sight of yourself. 'I look so...'

 

**((You, human, are a star.))**

 

You looked up in confusion. 'Huh...?'

 

He smiled to you. **((All sentient creatures have a soul. This soul is the core and culmination of their being, the very essence they are created from. Even in the darkest of places, they can glow, shining their light, and creating their own light for others to follow. You, too, possess this same light, and glow as brightly, if not brighter, than other souls. Some are damaged, and some are very, very weak. But the more determination you have, the more motivation you have to keep going, the stronger your soul is, and the more it can take from the hits the world strikes it with.))**

 

'Then...Am...Am I damaged?' You asked, thinking back to the crying fit you had nearly every night.

 

 **((No,))** Gaster answered. ( **(Unlike us monsters, you humans have physical bodies that must be maintained. While that does give you leverage to survive the harshes of the physical world, your own bodies can be flawed. The depression, the pain, the anxiety, the fear...those are all caused by cracks in your body's functions. How those were made - by birth or events - doesn't make any change or make the ailments any less painful.))**

 

He pulled your hands close, holding them both in his hands, wrapped up in his. **((But always remember...While your body and brain may be flawed, and even broken...your soul is flawless. It can never be broken unless you allow it to be. A soul only breaks when it loses all determination. When its will to live disappears, the soul shatters...and it no longer continues on. But from the bright light your soul gives off, human, I've no doubt you have enough determination in you to keep going.** **I know the pain your body puts on you makes this hard to see. Your world is focused on physical pleasures, and indeed, your body may never be fixed of its self-destructive habits. But remember, your soul will never change. The pain you feel is from your physical body, and your soul will never suffer from any effects your body gives you. You. Are stronger. Than you can ever imagine. Do not let your mind tell you otherwise.))**

 

He unwrapped his hands from around yours. You could feel tears brimming in your eyes.

 

 **((Are you okay?))** He asked worriedly.

 

'Y-Yeah...I'm okay,' you told him, trying to wipe the tears away. 'I...It's just...I get so caught up in what my head tells me, and what my body makes me feel, that...that I forget that I'm so much more than my body and mind. I'm...I'm not what my mind tells me. Or what my body limits me. ...But when I feel the depression, is that...my body?'

 

 **((Yes,))** he nodded. **((I don't understand or know how human bodies work, but I know most of your disorders and illnesses are not caused by your soul, but by your body and mind. Can you overcome these things, and heal from them? ...I've never seen a human heal their body using only their soul, since their body is mostly unaffected by anything your soul may try to make it do. But remember this. Any damage your body takes, your soul will never feel. Deep down, under all the sorrow and fear, where your corporeal form cannot reach, you are flawless, and beautiful. If only humans could be like monsters, and see their souls, they would know...their bodies are not all that they are...))**

 

You sat there, listening, as his words clicked in your mind. You began to realize he was right...If you didn't have the issues you were dealing with you'd most likely be...better. You grunted in frustration knowing you'd never be able to fix those issues permanently and really experience what you'd be like, until you realized you'd made the mistake of thinking your body was the only thing you were made up of. Sure, the performance your body was capable of was...slightly less than you'd like it to be. But that didn't make your value - or your spirit - any less. You weren't just your body's sicknesses, you were your soul, and the life that it kindled within. While you knew that'd take some time to accept, you were happy to think about things in this new way.

 

Both of you looked to the stars wordlessly, for what seemed like years, or maybe minutes. You didn't bother trying to make sense of which it was. But eventually, you turned to Gaster. 'I think I should...go home now,' you said.

 

He looked to you and sat up. **((Alright. I will lead you back.))** Once again the skeleton took your hand and led you back through the darkness, to where you assumed he'd met you. You couldn't see him, but you could feel his hands stroke your head and cup your hands.

 

 **((Always remember, human,))** he said again, **((You are more than any measurement of physical or mental capability. You are your soul, and the strength you contain within you. Do not give up. Stay determined.))** And with that, he let go, and you felt yourself floating away.

 

'Will I ever see you again!?' you shouted. As if he'd never left you, he said, **((Whenever you wish to see me, come here, and call my name.))**

 

You could settle with that.

 

**.......**

 

When you woke up, you were in the same position you'd been in when you fell asleep. Your muscles were stiff from being stuck in the same position so long. A look to the clock said it'd been - 12 hours!?

 

"Jesus, what a dream," you sighed. Somehow you remembered most of it, including Gaster's words in the end. Once again the ache in your chest was back, and you grimaced. You didn't want it. You missed the time wandering with Gaster, when you didn't feel it. But was it a dream? Or real? You placed a hand to your chest.

 

 _"You are more than any measurement of physical or mental capability. You are your soul, and the strength you contain within you."_ His words echoed in your head. They gave you a small spark of determination. Maybe...if you could only focus on just that, you could make it further than you expected to. It'd take a while to stick to it, though, after years of thinking you were broken...

 

**........**

 

Night came and you wore yourself out on purpose to try and sleep again, to see if Gaster would meet you. As you laid in bed you tried to resume the state you were in when he came to retrieve you, but felt yourself quickly going past it and straight into sleep.

 

'Nooooooooo,' you said groggily in your head.

 

**((Why are you saying no? Is something wrong?))**

 

You grinned to yourself mentally as you felt a presence hover over your bed. You knew it wasn't a dangerous presence - you knew exactly who it was. 'Hi, Gaster.'

 

**((Hello, human.))**


	2. You Are Not Your Mistakes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaster knows just what to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops I got into another mood swing so I guess I'm adding another chapter.
> 
> You thought it was over GUESS WHAT IT ISN'T BUCKLE IN KIDS WE'RE GOING FOR ROUND 2.

You threw yourself onto your bed, sobbing profusely.

 _It happened again._ The same words you'd heard over and over. They rang around your head without end, on repeat, without a pause button. You'd grown so used to the phrase, you'd even say it to yourself under your breath when you made a mistake or said something you thought was stupid. Anything you did wrong, those words repeated. Anything you missed, those words came. Anything you didn't do perfectly, those words broke through and you'd hear them for hours on end, even well into the next day.

And just when you'd finally find the pause button, and could go on about your life as usual, with no mistakes, and no stops...Then suddenly you'd do it again. And the words would come back. Over. And over. And over.

You felt that aching in your chest, so painful, eating everything inside you. Your nails clawed at your skin. If you scratched hard enough, the pain externally would drown out the pain internally for just a second. Deep red rivets were left behind where you scratched. Your nose hurt from the pouring mucus, and your stomach grew unsettled.

 _Why can't I do anything right...?_ You asked yourself. _Why...? It's not that hard. But I do it over and over. It's all happening over again. Everything. And it's my fault. It's all my fault. I screwed up. I can't fix this now...Why am I such a screwup? I can't do a single thing right. I just can't. I'm so fucked up I can't even..._

The thoughts rolled over and over on an endless track. The sting never stopped. It'd hit, over and over, driving the spear deeper inside your heart each time like a ticking clock. A loud wail ripped open your lips. If only you could just stop being you, be better, change who you were, or even better, just not exist...

**((Child, what is wrong?))**

You knew who it was. You sniffled. You didn't want to be bothered right now. Not even by him.

'Go away, Gaster.'

**((You're hurting yourself. Please let me help you.))**

'I'm not doing anything!' You screamed mentally. Taking a sharp breath through your teeth, you used all your might to force the pain down enough to speak back to him. 'I deserve it, Gaster. I screwed up again. I can't keep doing this...'

**((...What did you do?))**

You explained it to him, through images and words and sounds, and without meaning to, one memory after the other began to flood through your mind. Within seconds you forgot his presence and the flood of anguish rolled back over you. If only you could just...stop existing...It wouldn't hurt anymore...

**((...Oh, human...))**

His voice sounded forlorn, devastated, even grieving. It wasn't disapproving or pitying, but more like a friend's, the type who cried when others did. It even seemed like he was abou to cry.

You didn't want to hear it. Whatever he had to say, you didn't need it. Nothing ever cheered you up.

For a long while it was silent in your mind. You began to think he'd left. Like everyone else did. So you cried, laying on your side, feeling the thoughts of wanting to no longer be alive trickling in.

**((Oh...Human, please...))**

He sounded near tears, on the brink of breaking down himself. You were startled at the sound - normally Gaster sounded calm, resolute, and reassuring. You'd never heard him show this much emotion, even when you first met. But now he seemed to be deteriorating to tears, just by seeing you cry from your own misery.

'Please stop reading my mind, Gaster,' you said.

**((I'm not...I'm seeing the black fill up your soul again. I can see, from the pain, what you're thinking. ...Please. Tell me what's wrong. I want to listen. Please tell me.))**

Huffing, you replied, 'I already did.'

**((There's more. Tell me what you're thinking. Please. I want to listen.))**

'Why does it matter?'

**((Because you do not deserve to feel this way.))**

'Yes I do.'

**((By what law or decree?))**

'I always fuck things up.'

**((...And that is enough of a reason to you?))**

His voice wasn't angry. It was filled with sorrow, and shock. He couldn't believe you hated yourself so much as to punish yourself by letting yourself hurt and shutting others out.

'It's enough reason for a lot of people,' you say.

**((...And their thoughts are more important than yours? What about yours? What are your thoughts?))**

'I agree with them.'

**((Why...?))**

'Because I just do!' you stammer. Your frustration contorted your already soaked face. 'Stop asking, Gaster!'

**((...My apologies.))**

He went quiet. You once again felt alone. He'd finally left you. Just like you expected to happen. You'd pushed him away, like you always did with everyone. God you felt so fucked up...

A warmth settled over you. Something soft pressed against your back, and you looked to see if your blankets had curled up behind you. No...they were underneath you. Nothing was there. The invisible touch wrapped around your stomach, and brushed blanketing softness from your neck to your feet. It almost felt like being hugged by someone tall...

'What are you doing, Gaster?' You asked, off-put by the gesture.

**((When my son was depressed, and didn't want to talk, I'd hold him. Even when he couldn't express in words how he felt, or when my words didn't help, he'd ask me to simply hold him. So I always did. I'd hold him while he cried, until he didn't have any tears left. And even then, I'd still hold him. He'd sometimes fall asleep in my arms, and while I know he said he thought he was burdening me, I always enjoyed holding him. Knowing my comfort can help him in his rougher moments is what drove me to do it. And I don't sacrifice a thing to do so. He too thought he only knew how to make mistakes, that he was broken inside and was a burden to others...He never did see how much light he brought to everyone's world.))**

'You had a son?' you asked.

**((Yes. I had two.))**

The story made your heart forget its own sadness as he explained his story. 'He sounds like me...'

**((You two do think similarly. When I see you suffer like this, I think of him...I cannot bear seeing anyone do this to themselves. Let alone him. No one deserves to feel this way about themselves...let alone believe it is true, when they've done so much good already.))**

The tears stopped momentarily. You closed your eyes. Gaster cared so much, because his son, which you assumed he'd lost, felt the same pain you did. Gaster knew how you felt, because his son was just like you. And he didn't like seeing you suffer, because you didn't deserve to suffer. It took some time for you to digest his words and thankfully he was silent, so you could pick them apart. A stranger, whom you had no idea was real or not, was trying to help you, because he cared. Because he claimed to be able to see the good things you'd done, that you couldn't see. You doubted anything was there to see in yourself, but you decided not to bring up the topic. You didn't want the thoughts to come back. So you decided to change the subject.

'You said you had two sons?'

**((Yes.))**

'What were their names?'

**((Sans and Papyrus.))**

'Those are some...unique names.'

**((To be fair, I got them from fonts on my Microsoft Word program when I had my lab computer.))**

'Are you serious, you named your children after fonts!?'

**((Well of course I did. For all my scientific genius, human, I was terrible at naming things. That's why everything I made ended up with very generic names. I couldn't think of names for them.))**

'I can't believe you named your kids after fonts.'

**((Well I did. And they didn't seem to mind.))**

'Well that's good at least.'

You sat there thinking for a moment. 'Wait...Gaster, isn't your full name a font, too?'

**((Ah...well, yes and no. I used Wingding simply because I found it amusing and silly, and also because my birth name is very...um. It...It comes from an older era, so it has a very different meaning and pronunciation.))**

'What's your birth name, if I can ask? you inquired.'

 **((Ehrm...))** You felt something close to a deep breath press against your upper back. When he said his name it was rather long, and while eloquent, was full of sounds you didn't recognize or think could be spoken by humans.

'What...kind of name is that?' you ask with a quiet giggle.

**((It was given to me. It means 'man who speaks with his hands.'))**

If you could turn to face him you would. 'Why were you called that?'

**((While I was...ah, on the surface - I often used my hands for speaking, and magic. So they named me 'The Man Who Speaks With His Hands,' as a nickname of sorts. And it...stuck.))**

'Well that's interesting.'

You'd almost forgotten why you were upset until your mind decided to remind you. Bitterly, you turned and tried to scoot away from the comforting touch lingering on your back. It faded instantly.

**((Human...?))**

'I appreciate the concern, Gaster...' you sighed. 'But I just want to be alone.'

 **((But your pain gets worse when you're left alone...))** he said quietly within your head. His tone was concerned.

'Yeah. I know. But I don't like bothering people with my problems.'

**((Problems?))**

Back at the questions again. You buried your head in your pillow. Your face was still wet, but now had dried to a dampness. Gross.

**((May I ask...if there is anything I can do?))**

'...Can I go to the starry place with you again?' you asked.

**((Of course. I'll wait.))**

You nodded and pulled the blankets over you. Even though it wasn't exactly your usual sleep time, you already felt your eyelids stinging and your body ache. It always took a lot of energy when you cried, and every time it left you feeling exhausted. Maybe a trip to the starry place would make you feel better. You had only gone there maybe twice since you first met Gaster, but you never felt like it could be enough.

Like a slow falling feeling, you could feel your body almost sink as it relaxed the tension it held. The floating sensation filled your senses and your mind lifted. As your awareness of your body untethered bit by bit, the tightness in your chest loosened its clamp around your heart. You knew this stage, right before you fell asleep, when your mind had settled down and you felt a haze that always came before you slipped away completely into dreamland. It was this swiftly passing phase between sleep and alertness that you had to wait for before seeing Gaster again.

After some effort of trying to keep yourself in this state without waking too much, you floated away into the blackness, where you and your friend first encountered. You could feel Gaster's presence nearby. By now you were used to it - how it felt so large, towering over you. At the same time it reminded you of a warm shade on a hot summer day. Somehow, despite his frightening height in this strange incorporeal form of his, he still came off as kind and benevolent.

**((Hello.))**

'Hi, Gaster.'

**((Would you follow me, please?))**

'Lead the way, man.'

The both of you walked silently. You were thankful for the silence. As much as you knew Gaster cared, you didn't like answering questions about things that truly upset you. Each time you came through this path, led by his gentle hand, the journey to the starry place felt shorter and shorter. This time it felt like it'd only been minutes before you began to see the twinkling firefly-like flickers around you.

For some reason, the sight didn't comfort you. Maybe you didn't want to come here as much as you thought...

Wordlessly you kept following, hoping it'd get better. Gradually the sky rose to shades of blueberry and violet, pinpricks of white shimmering all around. Just ahead, the bright light on the horizon was growing in side. You could hear the tiny splashes of the water-ground below your feet. Strange...just now, you noticed Gaster's feet didn't make any noise.

He let go of your hand. The gesture felt discouraging and you paused for a second. Even with how beautiful the stars were, and how much you wanted to stare up at them and count them and try to make constellations with him...it just didn't seem as cheery as you remembered it being.

 **((Is something wrong?))** Gaster asked, looking back to you with upturned brow-bones.

'It's...' you looked down at your hands, fidgeting with your nails. 'It's not as...beautiful...as I remember...' Hopefully he wasn't offended...

 **((Not as beautiful?))** His skull darkened, his white pupils looking to the mirror-like water. **((I had hoped it'd help at least some...))**

A pang of guilt hit you. 'Oh, no, Gaster...it's not your fault. I think it's just my mood.'

 _Way to go,_ your brain went. _You fucked it up again and made him upset._

A moment passed as he stood there, looking down to his reflection. Then he raised his head and looked at you. **((Is there anything that I can do?))**

You stood, thinking. Before you could open your mouth, Gaster's spine straightened.

**((Hey, why don't you take me to your favorite place?))**

'Huh?' You tilted your head. 'Gaster, I don't think I can. I don't know how.'

**((It's easy. All you have to do is look inside your soul. Where does your soul find the most happiness? Where does 'home' feel to you? What does home look like? It doesn't have to be your room, or a place. It can be a memory, a dream, anything that makes your heart feel at peace. Once you think of it, go into the void, and keep walking. Let your mind develop the picture of this happy place. And after some time, once you've developed a full image, it will appear before you. Just like my starry sky does for me.))**

A smile - as much as a smile could show on a skeleton's jaw - accented his face. **((I know you can think of one. Everybody has a place they can go to to feel at peace. Think of yours. Take your time, this can take a while when you've never done it before.))**

You nodded. The skeleton sat down cross-legged and began to trace patterns into the ripples of water under his digits. You didn't want to keep him waiting, so you closed your eyes and began to wander through your memories. You tried your hardest not to remember the events from earlier that day, shaking them away any time they arose.

 **((Relax a little,))** Gaster suggested. He must've picked up your discomfort. **((It's not a race. Slow your mind. Loosen up the gears. And then let the memories roll on their own. Follow the road your mind takes you.))**

You nod again and shake your limbs, drawing a breath. You made another attempt, and envisioned your mind's gears slowing down and loosening. By will, your brain pulled back, the dark thoughts dwindling away. Now, you could focus. Step by step you explored through your memories. What place always made you happy...?

The more you dug the more the one place escaped you. You knew you had one, you knew you did...but you just couldn't quite reach it. 'Dammit...' you said aloud.

**((Easy. Let it come on its own, don't chase it. Your soul knows. Let your soul show you, don't make your mind dig for it. It'll never come.))**

'Okay,' you acknowledged. Trying again, you focused your attention on your soul. Was it working? Were you doing it right...? As your mind went blank you became worried you were messing up - again.

Slowly a fuzzy color rose within your inner vision. Another color mixed in, and then another. The blurry colors casually solidified, and more colors appeared. As the image sharpened, you began to smile. You knew this place...back from your childhood. You loved going there. In that place you could always escape. Even if you couldn't get to it anymore, you loved going there, or would often wish to go back there, and enjoy the simplicity of the life you lived back then. The worries you had at that time were so small compared to your worries now...

Just thinking about the memories filled in the image, giving a longing tug on your heart. If only you could go back to that time...rewind and relive those easier days, visiting that place...

 **((I can tell you see it,))** Gaster said in a pleased tone. **((You're grinning.))**

'Oh, I found it alright,' you responded. Without opening your eyes lest you lose the image, you extended your hand out. Clothing shuffled and bones tapped, and after a second, Gaster's skeletal hand took yours. It was so odd, but cute, how gentle he always was when he held your hand. You wondered if he even had the strength to hold it more firmly.

'And I just walk forward?' you asked.

**((Yes. Take any path in any direction, and you will reach the place you want to go to.))**

'Okay.' You took a breath, and kept the image of the place in your mind. One step after another, you began to move forward towards what you guessed was the other direction, away from the bright light.

'How will I know I made it there?' you asked Gaster from over your shoulder.

 **((You'll most likely hear my reaction,))** he told you. **((I'll let you know when I see it.))**

The reassurance helped you get more confident in the direction you went. On you two walked, into the unknown, like cautious explorers in a dark cavern. You had to keep reminding yourself you couldn't trip in the emptiness, but you walked carefully anyways out of habit. Each step you took, you listened closely for Gaster's reaction, and the longer it took, the more you felt like you'd messed up.

 _Have to focus on the image...have to use memory to sculpt it out_...You didn't want to forget, or you feared you'd both be lost...

**((Oh...human, this place...))**

You opened your eyes. There you were, in your favorite childhood location. A wide smile stretched your cheeks as you looked around. Already, your heart was soaring way into the skies. Looking around everything looked just the way you remembered.

 **((This is not what I expected, I will admit!))** he laughed. **((But...I do agree, it has its own charm.))**

'I have so many amazing memories of this place...' you whispered softly. 'God, if I could just...go back in time, and forget all the things I've done wrong...'

**((Human.))**

He rested a hand on your shoulder.

**((You keep burdening yourself with this 'mistake' you made earlier. Why? It was a minor slip. One everyone in the world makes many times. Why hold it over your head so much?))**

'Well...' You paused. The world around you dimmed slightly in color as you thought about the mistake you made. 'I just...people always...held it against me. If I messed up, something horrible always happened. And I never really got a chance to make it up, so I did my best to never mess up. I was always scared of what might happen if I made a mistake...I wish I could explain it better. But I'm always scared one day I'll really fuck up, and I'll end up alone, and...'

**((Well...Have you ever tried making it up to yourself?))**

'Why to myself? I'm not the one I have to make it up to, I don't need to make it up to myself,' you said in confusion.

 **((Of course you do.))** He leaned down onto one knee so he was even height to you. **((Human...as much as you may think you have no control over your life, I assure you...you do. You have the power to change your life. People, or things that happen, may make you think you don't. But they can't take that power away from you.))**

This was something you'd heard before in similar fashions, so this didn't really get to you, until he asked another question.

**((Think of it this way. If you faced a problem, what would you do?))**

'I'd...try not to fuck it up?' you answered honestly.

**((Next time, I ask you try to look at your options. All of them, even the bad ones. Write them down, don't evaluate them. Just get them all down. Once you do, start looking them through. How can you take steps to get there? Which once will get you the result you want most? I know this seems...tedious, and might seem useless, but...I promise you, eventually you will do it without any effort at all if you practice. You'll be able to see the opportunities that lie ahead of you without even having to look for them.))**

'But what if I can't think of anything, or I screw up?' you asked. 'I can't help but screw up...I am a screw up.'

 **((Listen to me,))** he requested. **((You will make mistakes. But you. Are. Not. Your. Mistakes. You are so much more than a mistake or two. If people were made of their mistakes, nobody in the world would be innocent or free. But we're made from our accomplishments, and what we make of our lives, not our mistakes.))**

The advice drew tears to your eyes. 'How can I not be my mistakes...?'

He placed a finger under your chin. **((Think of ten accomplishments in your life. They can be anything. Anything at all.))**

This seemed hard at first, but you tried anyway. 'I...I passed my math class even though I didn't think I would...'

**((Alright. Nine more.))**

'That's so many!'

**((Not at all, you've already thought of one. Go for another.))**

'I...I beat all the other kids in...This thing we all did...'

With effort, you were able to name off up to eight of them. You couldn't think of more than that, and you felt disappointed in yourself.

**((That's eight.))**

'I know.'

**((Human, that's spectacular.))**

'How? I didn't reach ten.'

**((You have hardly lived more than enough years, human. You have many many more ahead, and I assure you, you will accomplish more than ten achievements in your life in that time.))**

That helped reassure you some.

**((Now, try to name some good things about yourself.))**

'What?'

**((It's alright, I know you have at least one.))**

'I don't think I have any...'

**((I'll name one for you.))**

You waited.

**((You're strong.))**

'Huh?'

**((Look at yourself from the past. Did you think you'd make it this far, back then?))**

...Honestly, you didn't. 'No.'

**((See? You're stronger than you think, to make it this far without giving in. Now, your turn.))**

'Alright.' You gave a pause. 'I'm...I'm nice to people...'

**((That's a good one! Not many can say that.))**

'...I care for animals...'

**((Another good one.))**

'...I'm good at writing I guess...'

**((Excellent. Can you try a couple more?))**

'Um, yeah. People tell me I'm fun to be around.'

**((That's another excellent one!))**

'I like to make people smile.'

**((Another wonderful quality of yours.))**

'I don't like watching others hurt.'

**((Empathy, ah. A rare trait! Especially in humans.))**

'What's with the compliments?'

**((They're for encouragement. I get the feeling you haven't heard very many sincere ones in your life.))**

That warmed and surprised you. 'You mean those things?'

**((Of course I do! Why would I say them if I didn't?))**

'I don't know. Uh...I can read pretty well.'

**((Better than others I'm sure.))**

'That's...not much.'

**((Well, I find you are very passionate about what you love.))**

'That's true.'

**((And you're a good listener.))**

'I don't think so, but okay...'

**((And you're wonderful company.))**

'I...Okay then.'

**((See? They may not be the most impressive traits, but they're your traits. You are those things. All of them. All eleven of them. Now all those things, compared to mistakes. How bad do they make you, if you've accomplished all those things, and possess all these wonderful characteristics?))**

'I...I...'

**((Truly, human. You are worth so much more than you know.))**

'You do enjoy reminding me.'

**((Hah, well. I know others haven't shown them to you. I don't like it when others put themselves down over something so small.))**

'Thanks.'

**((But remember this. Their opinions do not matter. They may have told you what you are, what you aren't, what to think of yourself, but they are wrong. They do not see what you're truly made of. They never pay attention to your accomplishments or your talents. They expect perfection. But can a person truly be perfect?))**

'No.'

**((Then, if they expect something that can't be done, and they don't know all the things you're capable of, how could they possibly know what you are and aren't? They do not see the full picture. They only see what they choose to see. If they only see when you make a mistake, and never when you succeed, do they know all that you truly are?))**

'No...'

**((So, if they can't see how great you can be, do their opinions of you truly matter?))**

You couldn't speak.

**((You. Are. Never. Your Mistakes. Ever.))**

People in the past had tried to tell you that. "You're not that bad!" they'd say. Or maybe "They're wrong!" but they could never reassure you. Gaster made the perspective more clear. The only person who knew you, was you. What others saw wasn't really you. So what right did they have to tell you what you were and weren't? If you made a mistake, and that was all they saw, they'd be wrong. You were more than that one mistake.

Still, the realization left you speechless. This had never occurred to you, not like this. You'd always valued others' opinions more, because you thought they knew better than you. But...did they?

'That's...actually really helpful,' you managed to say to him. The world around you has warmed up in color to its original shades now and you look around, appreciating the scenery with joy.

**((Now, show me why this place is so memorable to you.))**

'Oh my god okay let me just warn you this is going to take a while.'

For hours it felt, you talked away, showing him all the things you did, explaining all your memories, getting excited and flapping your arms and giggling. Despite you embarrassing yourself with this behavior and the rambling on about your younger self doing all these crazy things, Gaster seemed overjoyed to see you smiling, and often inquired about more memories and what else you did here. Even when you asked if he was bothered by your rambling he always shook his head and waved for you to keep going. **((It's good to see you so happy! I like to see you smile. Go on, tell me the next one! I've got all the time in the world, you can't possibly shoo me away so easily.))**

For almost forever, you babbled. The more you talked, the more you began to gradually grow tired. After a while, Gaster could tell you were losing steam, and chuckled.

 **((Should I take you to bed?))** Gaster asked.

'...Uh.' You didn't say anything but you were pretty sure Gaster didn't mean that phrase in the context it was usually used in. 'S...Sure.'

He tilted his head in confusion, but didn't ask. His hand extended out. **((Lead me out, then, and I'll take you back.))**

You took his hand and led him away. Reluctant, you walked slowly, looking back.

 **((We can always come back,))** he told you. **((This won't be the only visit we make here.))**

'Good,' you say. Off you two moved through into the black. Some time later Gaster stopped and you turned.

 **((And here is where I leave you, for now,))** he said.

You pull your hand away. 'Thank you, again, Gaster...You're really helpful and kind to me, and I've never done anything for you.'

 **((Oh human, you've given me the most wonderful gift,))** he told you.

'What?'

**((Company. I've been alone for too long, too too long. I haven't been able to see or talk with anyone since I ended up here. It's lonely, and I can't describe the yearning I feel to reach out...somehow find a way to escape...to call out to anyone who might hear me...But it was you who unknowingly reached out. With your pain, your soul screamed for relief, and I saw. I saw you, and knew, not only could I try to help you, I could potentially have a companion.))**

You had no idea you were so important to him... 'Gaster, I...'

 **((Please, human.))** He pulled you into an embrace. **((Please, from an old skeleton...please, do not leave me here.))**

Well this was unusual for him. He didn't show this much emotion to you. At least he hadn't until tonight. The poor guy...He was probably so desperate for attention, he couldn't bear to be alone.

You tugged his robe and hugged him as best you could. Being a skeleton you could only hug his ribcage otherwise your hands just passed right through to his spine, which wasn't really hugging. He didn't show any discomfort at your struggle to hug him properly, which was good. He was probably used to this. For a long time neither of you parted, and you wondered just how much Gaster had needed company. Was he so lonely that he was desperate enough to talk to anyone he came across, even you...?

Finally you pulled away and he nodded. **((Ahem. Um...My apologies. I should keep my composure.))**

'It's no big deal,' you shrug.

He nodded, smiling through his cheekbones. **((Rest well, human. I hope your day is better tomorrow. Remember my instructions.))**

You just vaguely recalled them. You'd talked on for so long about your memories you'd nearly forgotten. 'Oh yeah. Sure, I'll try.'

**((Don't try, simply do.))**

'Thanks Yoda.'

**((Yoda?))**

'Oh my god how can you not have seen Star Wars.'

**((I've been in the abyss, child.))**

'...Right. Sorry.'

With a wave, you said farewell. Even though you couldn't see him you knew he waved back.

And with almost no effort at all, you let your mind decelerate, your consciousness dwindling away as sleep finally took hold and lulled you into your dreams...


	3. Sometimes, You Have To Be Your Own Cheerleader

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ((This is a very deep chapter that may cause some flashbacks or uncomfortable reactions.)) 
> 
> Gaster delves into the reader's worst memory, and helps them reassess how they should see it. 
> 
> ((This isn't a replacement for professional medical assistance - I'm only giving what I've learned from my own psych doctors and other methods I've observed. 
> 
> If you feel like talking or thinking about your worst memory may cause you to have a flashback, or relapse, do NOT read this chapter. If you do, and are triggered, I did warn you, but I apologize in advance.)) 
> 
> (Further explanation - if there is a memory you have that has caused you PTSD or PTSD-symptoms, skip this chapter to avoid being accidentally triggered.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 6:11 AM and I haven't slept. I couldn't rest until I finished this.
> 
> After my own horrible memory, and a year since then of just struggling with resuming my daily life, I had to write this to remind myself what's most important: Me. My well being. Not something that happened forever ago. 
> 
> Once again I caution you. This isn't a replacement for real medical assistance with mental illness. And this chapter isn't meant to the the cure for anything you suffer from. If you really are struggling, seek a medical professional. That way your specific needs can be cared for - I'm not your caretaker. 
> 
> And another trigger warning. There's no explicit mention of anything that happened. The memory is just referred to as 'the event' or 'the thing' or 'the memory' and is unspecified. No details on what it actually consisted of at all. However, if even thinking or skimming around the subject of your worst memory, whatever it be, causes effects such as: nightmares, flashbacks, panic attacks, disassociation, relapse, self harm, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, feelings of worthlessness, self-isolation, or any other form of negative psychological reaction - 
> 
> DO. NOT. READ. THIS. CHAPTER.
> 
> ((If you think you can handle it, end up reading it and find you can't, then I apologize. I did warn you, but sometimes we can't help if we're triggered. I know that struggle far too well.))
> 
> P.S. There's super fluff at the end if that helps???
> 
> Edit: I just realized I changed the formatting of Gaster's speech from (( )) to [[ ]]. Ah well, too lazy to care. It's 6:49 AM now I'm too damn tired to fix it.

The memories wouldn't leave your head all day.

You knew them too well. That one event that screwed up your entire life. The culprits were never punished. You were left behind, to suffer. The nightmares almost never  
stopped. You still get them. The slightest mention of something related makes you cringe and panic as the flashbacks force you to relive the situation, in painful and hyper-realistic detail. There wasn't any escape once the memories consumed you - you just had to endure it, like you  
had the first time. The tears, the helplessness...you'd be unable to recover for a day or more.

Just because of that one event.

The 'anniversary' date scared you. When it hit you wanted to die. You didn't want to remember anymore. You didn't want to live with it anymore.

And the only escape, it seemed, was to stop thinking - or living - completely.

And of course, nobody could possibly understand. So you hardly told a soul.

Today, though, the memories didn't stop. Lately life has been hell to you and when it was hell, your brain decided to focus on every negative memory that you had. Including that one. Especially that one.

The only reason it hadn't taken your life yet - you hadn't taken it yet - was because people begged and pleaded you not to, that there was so much more to life than whatever was ailing you.

But they didn't know. And they could never know.

Your entire world seemed to come crumbling down every time you remembered. It never truly left you.

Even when you were curled up on your bed, sobbing uncontrollably, nose and tears running, clinging to yourself.

That's when it hurt the most.

The physical pain alone was suffocating. The emotional pain made you feel like you were dying already.

Gaster was the last thing on your mind, so you were surprised when you heard his voice.

**[[Human...?]]**

'Go away, Gaster...' you whimpered shakily.

**[[Can I be of any help?]]**

'Go _away_ , Gaster.'

**[[Please...?]]**

You took a shaky inhale of air. It hurt to turn him away. But it also hurt when you thought of him finding out.

'...Go. Away. Gaster.'

And he didn't respond.

You didn't feel like crying anymore. Now you felt achy, gross and hot. You pulled off your shirt and laid in bed, not caring if you slept or died or anything happened at all. Your eyes hurt from crying, so you never opened them to check the time. What was the use? Whatever time it was, it wasn't the time you wanted it to be.

Slowly your body lost its tension. Your face dried. You laid there, with the pang of suffering burning in your chest, unable to find any rest physically or emotionally from this nightmare you lived in day in and day out. Between long lengths of time you'd take a deep breath and let out a lengthy sigh, trying to relieve the pressure in your heart. It never helped for longer than a second, but it did help you feel a little lighter.

A tiny chiming caught your attention. It only dinged a couple times, then stopped. A few seconds later, the chiming returned. You focused your attention to it. Was your music playing in your headphones? You thought you'd turned the music player off. Eh, you were too lazy to check. But the chiming, admittedly, didn't sound like any song you had. Was the ice cream driver coming by? Was a child playing their music loudly?

_What was that chiming?_

It was so quiet, you struggled to pick it up, but what you could make out of it, it sounded like a music box, or xylophone. It was melancholy, sad and longing, and at the same time warm and soothing, like a children's lullaby. Your heart somehow knew this song, but you'd never heard it. Maybe something similar, but not quite this tune.

Slowly it faded away, and you felt disheartened. It was such a sweet little tune...

The melody dinged around in your head, singing to you and lulling you to sleep. Slowly you began to doze, your form gradually going into a calm state of rest.

You sensed a presence in the room. Something was here. Your eyes opened and you looked around. Nothing was in your room, but the eerie feeling of being watched was still present. You didn't want to check your room. You didn't want to look and feel silly because you were looking for the Bogeyman that didn't exist. So you forced your eyes shut, and willed yourself back to your rest.

The staring sense never left, but you argued it off as just your anxiety acting up for no reason - again. With a loud exhale you drifted off.

Something soft brushed over your shoulder. Your skin rose with goosebumps, but you passed it off as your shirt rubbing against you and reached to move it until you realized...

...You'd taken your shirt off.

A shift in pressure on your back startled you. You bolted upright and scooted away from the place you were lying on. Something touched you. Something _must_ have touched you. Something was actually there, in the room.

"Hey," you called out, wrapping your arms around you. "That's not okay. Don't touch me. Please, whatever you are, go away. I'm not in the mood to be spooked."

Had you accidentally done something to lure in a bad...whatever? Or were you actually losing your mind finally?

Sighing frustratedly you flopped back on the bed, wide awake. "Come on, I'm trying to get out of this fucking hell for a few hours. Let me sleep."

No response. The alien touch was gone. "And stay far away from me," you grumbled and rolled over.

For a few minutes all was peaceful. Nothing disturbed you. Your nerves settled down.

And then the touch came again.

"I swear to god-" you began to say. You stopped when you paid attention to the way the ghost feeling was holding you.

Something invisible had pressed itself up to your back, and from head to toe, your backside felt warmer. The unseen presence wrapped itself around your torso, as if holding you with its arms.

The mysterious presence was trying to hug you. It wanted to make you feel better.

Tears brimmed in your eyes. You didn't like the weird way this thing was showing affection, but at the same time, you needed this. You felt like you'd needed this, for a long time.

"Whatever's doing this could you please ask first?" you whispered, laying back in your bed again.

**[[I used to do this to my sons all the time.]]**

'Gaster, goddammit.'

Of course. Gaster, the dad of the void, _would_ do something like this.

 **[[I'm sorry...]]** He sounded apologetic. **[[I couldn't bear to stand by and watch your pain eat away at you. I had to do something. This was all I could think of.]]**

'Wait, don't you technically not exist? How are you hugging me?'

 **[[Yes, and...]]** his voice sounded strained as he thought. **[[It...takes effort. I have to concentrate on what I used to be, and try to...project that onto the real world. It's...difficult to explain. I wish I had better ways to say it.]]**

'No no, I think I can figure it out.' Not really. You had no idea what he was talking about. 'Thanks for the hug. But, um, could you warn me next time?'

**[[Oh, my apologies. Of course.]]**

'Don't move though. You're warm.'

**[[Hah, alright.]]**

Minutes passed by. You didn't say a word. It felt so good to finally be held by someone - even if that someone was some weird guy you met in the abyss forever ago who might as well be your brain making things up.

'Hey, Gaster...' you asked.

**[[Hmm? Yes?]]**

'Have you ever...been hurt before? So bad it stuck to you for the rest of your life?'

Silence. Had you asked too much?

 **[[...I'm afraid I can't give more on that,]]** he said cautiously. **[[There's...Many things I have been through I'd...rather not remember. The most crucial...haunts me to this very day.]]**

'Yeah...me too.'

**[[Did something happen to you?]]**

'...Yeah.'

**[[It still hurts you?]]**

'Yeah.' Your throat suddenly became sore and strained.

**[[...This isn't what was hurting you, was it?]]**

'Yeah it was.'

**[[...So much pain, visibly, from a memory...]]**

'Yeah, I know. It's stupid.'

**[[No. It's familiar.]]**

Oh god. You wished you could look over and see Gaster's expression. The way his voice seemed so burdened, so nonchalant and yet so pained, made your heart ache. How many times had Gaster been like this, the way you were now? How many times had the skeletal man curled up on his own bed, crying? How many times had he...wanted to die?

You didn't like thinking about that. It hurt to think about him in such a situation.

'You don't deserve to feel that way Gaster,' you assured him.

**[[And neither do you, sweet human.]]**

'Uh, well I do.' You bitterly responded.

**[[I assume you feel that you have no choice?]]**

'No. Not really.'

**[[I see.]]**

Without noticing it, you'd slipped away back into the doze zone. You called it that because that was the in-between place where you found Gaster, when you weren't awake but weren't quite asleep either. Gaster's hand appeared before your closed eyes, in your black vision.

'I'm not feeling up to going anywhere, Gaster,' you said.

**[[It's a short walk. I promise.]]**

'...Alright, fine.' You took his hand reluctantly. He led you slowly this time. Both of your steps took long, delayed strides in the direction Gaster led you. You hadn't the slightest clue where you two were going but you assumed it was probably some super pretty place you could hang out, like you two had done a dozen times before.

Suddenly, Gaster came to an abrupt stop. **[[Here,]]** he said, letting go of your hand. All around you was still complete darkness.

'Um...' you looked around. 'Am I missing something here?'

 **[[Sit with me,]]** he said. Confused, you did as he told you.

'I don't like guessing games, Gaster,' you told him annoyedly.

 **[[This isn't a guessing game,]]** Gaster said. **[[This is my thinking place.]]**

'What, in the middle of the black void?'

**[[Hah, wait a little longer.]]**

You grumbled under your breath.

 **[[So,]]** he shuffled. **[[Tell me. What happened to you?]]**

You didn't like the topic suddenly being brought up. 'Gaster, I really don't want to talk about it.'

**[[That's alright. But do you remember how old you were?]]**

'Yeah.' You remembered it vividly. The time, the place, the people...The pain...

**[[Now, remember all the things this memory has taken away from you, or made you do or say or think. The years you've lost, the replays, the nightmares, the fear and guilt and shame. Remember all the times you could have enjoyed, if the memory hadn't held you back.]]**

You did. You remembered too well. Tears began to brim in your eyes.

**[[Name some of the things it's taken from you.]]**

'...My happiness.' You took a shaky breath. Your voice began to crack. 'My trust in others. My sense of safety. My privacy. My self esteem. My respect. My friends...My hope...My life...My life, mostly. Just...my life.'

**[[It took your life away, didn't it? Took it right out of you. And made it hard to breathe.]]**

You crinkled your nose to fight back the tears. You failed, and they rolled down your cheeks defiantly. 'Yeah...'

**[[You felt hopeless?]]**

'Yes.'

**[[You felt helpless?]]**

'Yeah...'

**[[You felt like you somehow brought it on yourself, or couldn't have done anything to stop it?]]**

'...Yeah...'

**[[You felt like you were wronged?]]**

'Still do...'

**[[You feel like you want to forget, or somehow remove it from history completely?]]**

'God, yes.'

**[[Now remember how old you were again.]]**

That didn't take much effort.

**[[Remember what you looked like. Remember what your smaller self looked like. Their clothes, their favorite things, their hair and their favorite thing.]]**

You remembered.

**[[Now imagine your younger self looking at you. The thing that happened to you, just happened to them. They're upset. What would you do?]]**

'...I'd hug them.' You sniffled. Your voice was barely understandable. 'I'd tell them it wasn't their fault. It wasn't their fault. I'd tell them I'm sorry it happened to them. That I wish it didn't happen. I'd tell them I'm sorry...I'm sorry...'

You broke out into tears again, sobbing and almost wailing. Your hands covered your face and you tried not to make too much noise by pressing your lips together. Still the whimpers and whines broke through your throat.

**[[...What else would you do?]]**

'I'd...' you sniffled and regained your composure. 'I'd  
tell them not to let it get to them. What happened wasn't their fault. It was the other person's fault. And I'd tell them not to let it hurt them.  
I'd tell them not to let it take their life away.'

**[[What was that?]]**

'I'd tell them "don't let it take your life away. Don't let it control your life. Don't let it take everything from you. Don't let it taky anything from you. Be strong. This thing doesn't define who you are. It's nothing, it's just nothing. It happened, but it's not you. It's not what you are. You're everything else BUT that. You're so much more. Don't let it take your life away..."' You said your name. Your younger self somehow stood within your vision, as if far off, a wet face of tears and a hand reaching out to you.

'I'm sorry it happened to you...' you cried. 'I'm so sorry...You didn't deserve it...Don't let it ruin you, okay? Don't do it. Don't let them take anything away from you, not even that. Don't let it define you. What they did doesn't say a damn thing about who you are, so don't let it tell you that. Don't let them take control. Fight back! Be strong! You're so much stronger, so much better a person...You can do this...Just don't ever change. Don't ever let it change you...Don't give in...Don't let it hurt you...Don't...Don't let it win...'

You continued the same phrase over and over: 'Don't let it control your life...Don't let it win...' This went on for...forever, and too long, it felt to you. But Gaster never said a word, only set a hand on your shoulder. As you broke out into more cries of pain and sorrow, he slowly drew you close, pulling you into his huge lap and holding you close and rocking back and forth.

For a long time, you cried your eyes out. Your body curled into him. Surprisingly, he seemed to have more density than you expected a skeleton to. Your tears made a small piece of his cloak wet and you apologized, but he brushed it off and told you not to worry.

Longer even then, you cried. When you thought you'd finally stopped, the memories came back, and you'd be crying in the same intensity again. This repeated over and over, the cycle slowing down until finally you'd been reduced to small, irregular and broken hiccups. Gaster still had his arms around you, rocking back and forth to a steady metronome. He was even humming.

...He was humming the tune of the chiming lullaby from earlier.

'You know that song?' you asked.

**[[I do. It was popular with my people. We played it for the children as they grew up, to remind them even though times are bad, there's still hope. They only need to remember the good things, and hold onto them. The tune is called 'Memory.']]**

'It's beautiful...'

**[[Hah, our queen composed it.]]**

For a moment you stayed silent. 'You...had a queen?'

**[[And a king, yes. And two royal children. But they did not survive.]]**

'Oh god, that's horrible...'

He was quiet, and then in a bitter tone, he said, **[[Nothing ever went right for us...]]**

That was...alarming. That wasn't like him. 'Gaster...?'

He flipped the subject so fast you had to take a moment to rewind. **[[Do you remember the things you told yourself?]]**

'...Kind of,' you said.

**[[What would your younger self say, if they saw you, who you are, today?]]**

'...They'd...They'd ask why I'm like this, and why I let it happen...' You didn't feel like crying again. Your face stung. But you just might. 'They'd...want me to be better. And they'd probably cry.'

**[[They wouldn't want you to hold this over your head, would they?]]**

A sniffle. 'N-No...'

**[[Human.]]**

A bony finger lifted your chin. You could see small streaks down his cheekbones. Had...had he been crying too...?

**[[Everything you told your younger self, you need to tell yourself now. You've let this memory take so much from you already. Don't let it take any more. The choice is yours. And you may have thought you had no choice, and were helpless. But sometimes, human, you have to be your own cheerleader. No one can take your hand and guide you, unless you reach out your hand first.]]**

'But what if-' His finger pressed on your lips.

**[[Don't worry about the what ifs. They don't matter. What ifs don't exist. So don't fret over things that don't exist.]]**

'But you don't exist.'

There was a long, awkward pause. **[[Clever.]]**

You wrapped your arms around him. Once again, you felt odd having to use your arms around his ribcage instead, but it was less uncomfortable than just his spine.

'But Gaster...I don't think I'm worth helping, sometimes...' You carefully didn't say 'what if.'

**[[Remember what you said. "Don't let them take anything away from you." That includes your self esteem, human. Don't let them make you think you're undeserving of help, simply because you believe it won't work, or that you're unworthy. You, of all others, are more worthy, more deserving of freedom from this, than anyone else.]]**

Gaster had been hurt in the past. You could tell. That was how he helped you with this. That...hurt to think, that this wonderful skeleton - man - had to endure something so tragic as what happened to you, to go through it, to help you with the same thing.

You pulled your head away from his robe and saw the room around you. It was cozy, warmly lit by two small lampshades. The two of you sat on a soft sofa, that looked old, but was still more comfortable than you expected. In front of you was a plain glass table with a wood frame where a vase of flowers and a box of napkins sat. To the right was an enormous wall of bookshelves, overflowing with books in every inch of space. In front of it on the floor were more, and by the doorway to the left were even more stacks. In fact, along every wall were books, with the only visible floor being in the center of the room. Across from you was an ornate fabric recliner with a stand and another lamp. A ceiling fan spun overhead quietly and in the corner, a small desk was tucked away with stacks of paper on top.

'Was this...your office?' you asked.

 **[[Ah, no,]]** he chuckled, releasing you and setting his arms to his sides. **[[Before the war, and some time into the beginning of it, I was a psychologist. I helped monsters cope with the losses of their loved ones. This was the room I took them to, to talk in private.]]**

'It's so cozy,' you commented. 'Like my grandma's house. All warm colors and...well. Warm.'

**[[Haha! Well good, I hope!]]**

'Oh it is, it's good. I like it.'

You shifted out of Gaster's lap into the sofa seat beside him. Your body sunk into it, but somehow it still felt soft. You could fall asleep here on this couch, you decided, and be just fine with it.

 **[[If you wish, I can let you rest in here,]]** he said to you.

'W-Wait, what? Why would you let me do that?' You asked confusedly.

 **[[You look like you could use some rest.]]** He stood up and pulled the table to the side, tucking it under his desk. He motioned for you to rise and you obeyed. In one swift move of his arm, he unclasped the bottom of the sofa and tugged on the seam underneath, tugging out a small spring bed.

'Ohhh, sofa bed,' you realized. You pressed a hand to the mattress. Just as soft...Oh you'd feel like sleeping on a cloud on this thing...Yep. There'd be no trouble sleeping here.

 **[[And don't worry, nobody can disturb us here in Nowhere,]]** he joked. **[[I'll leave you be.]]**

'Wait.'

Gaster looked at you with a raised browbone. **[[What?]]**

'Could you stay in the room? I don't want to be alone. It feels...empty.'

He smirked. **[[First you shoo me away, now you ask for me to stay? My, can't make up our mind can we?]]**

'Smartass.' 

He laughed and stepped to the table under the desk. On a small wooden rack underneath he pulled out two blankets, one thick and made of thick cotton and the other crocheted with star patterns. You rolled onto the mattress and the skeleton laid the blankets over you, then grabbed a small pillow and placed it under your head.

'Could you read me a bedtime story?' you said in a childish voice.

Gaster laughed. **[[Funny! I actually have some-]]**

'NothanksI'mgood.'

Your companion laughed harder.As you made yourself comfortable, the slender monster sat in the recliner and grabbed a pair of glasses off the stand beside him. Wait, how did he have glasses? Curiously you watched, and noticed the ends were made to curl around the small crest where his jawbone connected to his skull on the sides of his head. Huh, interesting.

 **[[If you need or want anything at all, let me know,]]** he said.

'I should be fine,' you told him.

**[[My offer still stands.]]**

'Well, okay then.' You shrugged and settled back into the mattress. Within seconds you were far far gone, deep into the true sleep where your dreams came to you.

And this time, you didn't have any nightmares.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S.S. There's gonna be huge fluff and close friendship development, but no romantic or sexual content will be in this series. This just isn't the fanfic for it.


End file.
